After my wife lost interest, I told her that we either opened our marriage or divorced. Cheating is easy and you deserve it . Less. Shortly after, our daughter in law and our granddaughters moved out of state. What is the solution? I can understand why youre anxious about talking to your wife about this, but communication is the only way youll get out of this impasse. You can set things right on this front by planning special dates and mini-vacations so that you can both focus on each other and your relationship without worrying about work, finances, kids and other things. Makes me happy Im not married. I have been dedicated for 43 years but I also realize you need and one thing before you canOnto the other. Ive been accepting of her feelings and expectations. Harley, yeah I believe men are more likely to complain then women in places like this. 1. I have tried to keep myself in shape, etc., and he is certainly in fairly good shape too. I did a lot of stuff that I thought would make things easier for her. If us men were all so lucky! Should I ask her what our sex future will be? Once you cross into the no sex zone there is NO going back. Just be sensitive to what she's going through: If she's dealing with a significant illness or painful condition, for example, it may not be appropriate to push for more sex at this time. That never goes away for most women or men. He was several yrs younger than me, Ive Never been married & Ive had a half dozen BFs or so. When women feel used and men dont ever reciprocate, of course they lose interest. If you are not. I totally understand how lingering issues in a relationship make it ridiculously hard to want to have sex. The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out, says Gopa. Behind heart broken!!! stop insultiing cats. I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital Hello Mary I can imagine how frustrating it it is for you.I am 65 years old and my wife is 64.My wife is on anti-depressants and she says that she has no desire for sex We have been married for 44 years now.I last had sex about 8 years ago My wife is a very beautiful woman and I am absolutely so frustrated and find that looking at porn and mastubating is not ideal anymore, What I need is a woman, but I am afraid to approach another woman for sex for the fear of rejection, I do not want to have sex with a prostitute. Could I just ask the question? Some get away with a happy one. No doubt youre frustrated. I have never been a man so I cannot empathize with a man. If your wife won't touch you, maybe something has changed. I work full time, do personal training after that, and run a business. While women understand that, men refuse to comprehend that arousal is complex for women. It may also help to learn about different forms of desire discrepancy. I am very attracted sexually to my wife and it hurts my ego that she isnt at all. I do, however, feel like absolute shit about the negative impact on my husband who is six years younger than me and who has always had a high (higher than mine, anyway) sex drive. My husband and I separated recently. Is there any way I can help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling? Also, make sure you share the housework equally, including the mental load. About ten months ago she started yelling at me whenever I put my arms around her. Better than NO sex of any sort for 10+ years, and being rediculed for masturbating. Best of luck to you! 19. Dont men throb? Thats great but what about the man? I just CANNOT do things he EXPECTS from me because of how that makes me feel, ESPECIALLY when it comes to intimacy. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? Would you like to see more questions and answers? I desire tenderness and affection, not just an orgasm. I told him if he didnt want a divorce, he should feel free to find date outside the marriage, and if anything serious developed, we would revisit the divorce option. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. I have done the majority of housework including doing the major role of raising our children from Pre school to leaving home. What to about it: Have an earnest, exploratory conversation with each other about what sex means to you both as individuals, and then talk about how you can create a mutually satisfying sex life that works for both of you. Each time she claims to like having sex, but is just tired! No intimacy!!! Now its more about independence- Im tired of living in my spouses value system . if you want to get married for children just understand that your wife will stop wanting to have sex with you after she gets her babies. I feel like its just my life now. My wife and I have been a couple for 51 years (since 1971). Damn was I a dumbass. Ive even had the gumption to suggest that if HE doesnt desire sex, then maybe he could still give me pleasure. I see a divorce in the near future. Should they swallow it just to make you feel good? I went through marital counseling before the wedding. So sorry to read this Pamela, Im in the same boat with my lovely wife, terribly depressing. Whats more, you are not doomed to be in a sexless marriage! She even went from sleeping naked in bed to full pajamas and on the rare occsion she would have sex to me, remove only her panties like a robot. They (we) act most often as though we men are not capable of rational/sentient thought. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving. "Feeling expected to have sex a certain way, or feeling like you need to have intercourse if you explore desire with your partner, can actually strangle a woman's libido over time.". When emotional intimacy dies a slow death in your relationship, its possible that it could signal an affair. Even with some ED we can still have a good orgasm..but she wont even touch me.. Im not a bad looking guy, and tend to her needs materially.. but sex is off the table. I dont know what to do! If your wife is struggling with mental health concerns, anxiety, or depression that are not being handled professionally, gently encourage her to talk with someone about how shes feeling. This isnt totally new for him either. After 35 years, I want to be with my wife more than ever, not less. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. I realize that I really dont know your reasons for not wanting to be sexual with me whether it hurts you, or theres something Im doing or not doing. The nipple is not an on and off switch. Do we cheat and risk hurting our wives and husbands? Feeling this discrepancyor feeling like your partner is always asking for sex when you don't want itcan make the lower-libido person feel pressured into having sex. My sex drive is strong but now my boyfriend, who is 5 years older than me, is on hypertension medicine and his testosterone is on the last number of normal. It feels like torture just coming here and reading because it makes me want some so badly I dont know what to do. I have tried to have a heartfelt conversation but he is not willing to talk about it. A study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. I only basically feel good enough to have pretty good days. Also, look into the idea of responsive desire and make sure you understand it. I am not the same, never will be. However, if both partners are not okay with a sexless marriage, your relationship wont survive. He wanted to break the monotony in the relationship, but she simply wouldnt open up. !life is def funny!! Where is their allegiance to you? Will not do anything about it.. Refuses everything and anything to do with sex. It could mean that your wife is experiencing changes in her mental health or there is an unresolved issue in your relationship. Then if you still have to, decide. so that leaves to so totally frustrated angry resentful and I hate to say it but it is beginning to I think turn to I hate her. We have been together since the 80s and there is No ONE else I want to be with. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. I love him as much as the air I breathe, but I just wish he would realize Im suffering and offer that its ok for me to have some on the side. Together we have seen a number of therapists with not much luck but felt I owed it to her to try and fix things. John, where do you live, and do you play golf regularly without your wife ? Now the difficult part. I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. My problem is my husband is still very much interested. She has her own retail business, which cash flows, but has hasnt turned a profit in the last 5 years. She mentioned that I find a sex partnerI dont know. Lame! I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. I couldnt relate to those feelings, but I was expected to understand them as a husband. I have the sex drive I had when I was 20, and I feel like me again. She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. You can bring up your feelings about the importance of sex in your relationship so that she knows and can let you know what she has the capacity for. Both men and women lose sex drives some times, but with proper nutrition and exercise etc it can be reclaimed. I dont believe calling sex your duty is accurate at all. Key points. Married a little over 50 years! (she has seen a councelor) and she this has gone on for years and may take years to heal and maybe I will never heal. Dont hold it against her. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Dang! Bitter? At first when we were dating this were fine. Resentment Colors your entire relationship gray. Huddle up with your wife and ask, If there were something you could change about our sex life, what would it be?. Its strictly psychological as I have no problems when alone or watching porn, which she is totally against. I know we are very different people and and I am not trying to change her as much as letting her know the effects of being so distant and often dismissing my feelings yet I have to be totally responsive to her to keep her happy. etc. If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. It literally saved my marriage and maybe my life. Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. But the reason is sexual attraction. If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another person. No, on a serious note, it wasnt something to have posted here. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. I felt like she just gave me away to anyone emotionally and physically. A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. I married, not for love but because was told I could do worse. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. My doctor keeps a close eye on me too. Tell her that you love her. She apologies oh well. But no sex. 24 years younger than I. You begin to see the problem.